Last night I got back home late. I locked the door of my apartment and went to sleep.
04.30 a.m., something is stabing between my ribs. I open my eyes and there is this girl laying next to me. I know her, just haven’t seen her in a while, I tend to forget about her.
She’s Lil’ m. About 6 years old, with a blond ponytail and big brown eyes. Cute and beautiful. She is my inner child.
„I want to talk to you. Do you have a minute?“ an innocent question.
She has no idea what time it is, nor has she an idea what time means at all.
„Of course, lovely, tell me. Please!“
„I know why we don’t want to be touched“
Jeez. Now she has my full attention. I work as a therapist, I touch people and I’m totally happy with that. I can’t be touched though, I freeze solid immediately if someone gets close, and I’m talking here about the pure, friendly way! I just don’t know, I have no clue, where this comes from.
She speaks out „Do you remember, when we were my age, all these auties hugging and cuddeling us? All these wet kisses? I just could not stand that!! They made me feel weak and defenseless. They were playing, yes, but it was no fun for me at all. The touch was not a loving pure one, it was about teasing and playing. No mindfullness, they were not thinking. I was sensitive at that time already, and still, deep inside is this idea of getting teased and traped when touched.“
I’m overwhelmed by these words, but they make totally sense. I breath deeply. Releasing breath. Healing exhales.
I put my hand on her belly. Connected. She’s all soft now. No edges, no borders, we are one again. I start rocking her, smoothly and gently, make her feel like in a womb. She wraps her arms around me and I hold her, loose and lightly. Like this we fall asleep.
I still feel her.
Massive thanks to my friends for hugging me anyway over the years! ***
Special thanks to Marlene from Naturheilpraxis Sole-Luna for introducing Lil’m to me! ***
I’m healing. I’m healing. I’m healing. Yeah!